just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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