He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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