if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
