i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
