Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
