walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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