Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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