So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
