i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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