Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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