why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
