The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
