Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
