How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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