im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
