I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
