I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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