The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
