Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
