He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
