i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
