turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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