The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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