I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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