he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Even my vagina gasped.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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