They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Randomize
