Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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