the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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