the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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