So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
