if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
