why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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