i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
