I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
