i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
