I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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