I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
