Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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