She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
