You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
