Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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