he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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