no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
