I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
