A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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