if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
