Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
