Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
