Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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