Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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