My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
