Plan B is the new Plan A
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
