i was born a porn star she said
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
